Saturday, October 10, 2015

i carry your heart with me

i carry your heart with me(i carry it in 
my heart)i am never without it(anywhere 
i go you go,my dear;and whatever is done 
by only me is your doing,my darling) 
                                                      i fear 
no fate(for you are my fate,my sweet)i want 
no world(for beautiful you are my world,my true) 
and it’s you are whatever a moon has always meant 
and whatever a sun will always sing is you 

here is the deepest secret nobody knows 
(here is the root of the root and the bud of the bud 
and the sky of the sky of a tree called life;which grows 
higher than soul can hope or mind can hide) 
and this is the wonder that's keeping the stars apart 

i carry your heart(i carry it in my heart)

Tuesday, April 14, 2015

Happy Birthday Angel

Seems like yesterday. 

I reached underwater from behind your Mom; I was the first to hold you.

Your eyes wide open; you were looking right at me, and you were the most beautiful thing I had ever seen.

Happy 6th Birthday Nikko!

Sunday, March 22, 2015

What You Don't Know

January of 2013, my son Nikko came to me with information about his nanny, Nita. He described inappropriate behavior that took place while he was with his nanny, while “at a man Pike's house.”I immediately terminated Nita's employment and e-mailed Arizona, telling her what Nikko had told me. Arizona, as well as her mother Davina told me not to go to the police because it “may cause Nikko more stress.” I didn’t want to wait, but like a fool, I did. We agreed to go together when she returned from a new years celebration in Mystique with Cara Delevingne (her girlfriend at the time) and other friends. 

When Arizona returned, it was very obvious she was under the influence of drugs when she showed up to my flat. She was paranoid and acting suspiciously. I asked her to get rest, and come back to my flat the next day. I was very disappointed. 

The following day, Arizona went without me to file a police report.  She asked to pick up Nikko for lunch and did not bring him back to my flat after, like she promised. Then she refused to let me see my son whom had been living with me full time, since we moved to London. Arizona was suspicious, suggesting I had something to do with what Nikko had described to me days earlier (“Pike” had kissed him & Nita, and scared him with a gun).

Arizona was acting odd… Soon after speaking to Davina, I learned that Arizona’s father, Garry Muse had sexually abused her when she was a young girl. I think this was the reason she was so suspicious, also the drugs she was doing. She has always had a certain animosity toward men. After speaking with social services and the police in Knotting Hill for several weeks, they dropped the case due to lack of any kind of evidence. I did not raise Nikko to lie, something happened… and I believe Arizona is covering something up! 

I filed a residence order with the courts in London, but when Arizona found out, she drained our bank accounts, then left to Paris. My work visa, which was illegally provided to me through Arizona’s agency, NEXT Model Management (I was listed as a Model/ DJ, but didn’t work a single day) was revoked at Arizona’s request. For that reason, I was forced to leave the UK or she (along with her agency) assured me they would call immigration. 

Arizona lured me to the UK under false pretenses… In the back of my mind, I knew she wanted to take Nikko away from me after she got settled, and moving abroad with her dual citizenship was her easy way out. … that’s exactly what she did. I was coerced, and because we were unwed, I didn’t have many other options, so I agreed to leave behind everything in NY so I could care for my son and make sure he’d be raised in in a loving/ safe environment. 

Before leaving Europe, Arizona convinced me to give her Nikko's passport. I didn't want to give it to her, but I literally had no money and no way to fly back to the US… she told me if I didn't give it to her she would not purchase the plane ticket I needed and threatened to report me to immigration. I didn't want to get in trouble with the law, so I gave her his passport and took a one-way flight to the US. I presumed the courts in America could help since Nikko is an American citizen, but jurisdictional laws prevent immediate action from the courts. 

I’m currently in possession of his original birth certificate, listed as his father… I have reason to believe she acquired another birth certificate, listing only herself as Nikko’s parent… and is in the process of obtaining a UK passport for Nikko.  

I’m desperate for help. The word needs to get out, because even with legal representation in NY and London, the process is extremely lengthily. 

It’s embarrassing to be so open, but pride aside, I won’t stop until I am able to see my son. He will be 6 in April, and I haven’t spoken to him, or Arizona in over a year… nor have I received a photo (a single photo) from Arizona after countless attempts. 

"Arizona isn’t even working," she’s been hiding out so she doesn’t have to comply with the courts. I have a very good source that works for Aerin Lauder, and I hear that "Arizona’s contract with Estee Lauder has been terminated."

If people are aware of this information, she will be more likely to stay in one place and be forced to deal with this. What she’s doing is absolutely repulsive; Parental Alienation is CHILD ABUSE… I haven’t abandoned my son. I’m legitimately concerned, and am sure he is not being raised in a healthy/safe environment.

Saturday, April 13, 2013

Happy Birthday Nikko!

Every single day since you were born, you’ve added something so amazing to my world that I can’t even imagine my life without you in it. Wherever life will take you, whatever endeavors that you choose, I will always be so proud of you! HAPPY BIRTHDAY, my boy! A day never goes by that you are not thought about with love, smile and happy memories. Wishing you joy and happiness all year through! 

Saturday, March 23, 2013

13/13 Final Response

A lot of you out there consider me a slime ball or whatever for airing our “dirty laundry” (even referring to me as a gargoyle, which I find quite amusing)…. but are misinterpreting my blog. Believe me, I know what you’re writing.

Put yourself in my shoes.

Imagine you have a child, whom you love more than anything, and whom you’ve been caring for.
Then imagine that whenever your “partner” is in town (rarely), she’s unavailable and only brings chaos and inconsistency into your home.
Finally, when you attempt an "intervention", because it’s long overdue, your “partner” retaliates by leaving the country, and drains all of your (shared) accounts.
You’re then forced to leave your current residence (UK) because you’re visa has been revoked by your “partners” agency.
When you return to your home country (US) and hire council, there is nothing your attorney can do because of "jurisdiction laws"… and can only suggest hiring council in the UK.

Well, this is my situation; I’ve been dealing with this for nearly a month without hearing a word from Arizona. What would you do, or turn to without resources? Someone said it best:

“If he's up against Arizona who probably has enough money to hire an adequate legal team, who do you think is more likely to lose out? :/ I'm not trying to defend him but I can see that desperate times call for desperate measures.. besides, he probably wanted Arizona to straighten herself out and shaming her in public would probably somehow motivate/drive her to sober up?”

Sure, I’ve made mistakes, but my lifestyle changed when Nikko was born… that was the reason I was so intimate about my past.

It didn’t for Arizona, it became toxic, you can’t live like that with a child. And if you've ever worked in fashion, you know it's even encouraged.  

I don’t regret anything I said…. Interpret it as you wish.

P.S. This was funny.  

Wow,  make a lifetime movie about it:

"An American Top Model and her Latino Bottom Blogger"

"Arizona: The Real Long Island Iced Tea" 

"Two and a Half Men: the Arizona Muse story"

"The Pusher's Muse: a story of love, lines, and... lies?"

Thursday, March 21, 2013

12/13 Backlash

I knew there was going to be a backlash when I went public about my relationship and current situation involving Arizona Muse. I'n all honesty, I’ll always care about her, she’s my son’s mother… and for that I’ll continually hold her close to my heart.  

I love my son, more than words could ever express…. But I haven’t seen, nor have I heard from my boy in nearly a month. It’s killing me inside, it’s not fair what she’s doing to us.

I’ve made many mistakes I’m not proud of, and I am not blaming Arizona for everything… you cant naively think I have put absolutely everything on this blog, come on!

I’ve been receiving e-mails, telling me I’m a terrible person, and have been reading horrible things about myself online. The truth is, I’m just TIRED of lying, I’ve been lying for so long, keeping secrets which only make things worse...  and unless all of you are aware of this situation you’re going to think I have this happy, wonderful life, and Arizona is our “Lord & Saviour” but I don’t, and she is not! 

Also, there are people out there who presume I just sucked every cent I could from her… To answer to that absurd statement: Yes, Arizona was taking care of my expenses, but I gave up my career… and it was all worth it, the reason is Nikko. I knew if he were living with me (which he was), he would be safe and have somewhat of a normal childhood.

You can’t think a mother who works at the level that Arizona does, would have the availability to spend quality time with her child. I mean she goes out every fucking night, are you people blind?!?! Seriously, and I’m the bad guy? Most will never understand, we're all so infatuated with celebrity we don't see the obvious!

BTW, I am a great father… I’m the father I never had; the father I always dreamed would be there for me. I have done absolutely everything in my power to be there for NIkko, to be present, and now I'm being punished for confronting her. ... Remember, all of this while supporting Arizona, even though I didn't agree with her lifestyle.

There are a few quotes I came across online that seem to sum it up, thank you for your support. 

You guys are ridiculous. Seriously Arizona's behavior is not secret to 99% of people in the fashion industry. And maybe this is not the best way for Manuel to do things but she’s uses his kid as a weapon, at the same time she uses him to enhance her career. Arizona, the perfect model mom, look at her posing with her beautiful son. Only she’s far from the model mom. Manuel is not allowed to see his kid unless it suits Arizona, while she is off her tits most of the time, yet you guys are making him out to be the bad person here? As for Freja, yeah she really is beautiful. She tried to help Arizona as much as possible. Even agreeing to move to London. But Arizona fucked that up too. This girl is all about herself.”

“I agree with the part about her son. Arizona has always tried to portray the perfect model-mom image, and uses her son in shoots. But yet we all know she parties and almost certainly uses drugs. I don't see Manuel being a dick in this situation to be honest. I just see him as a desperate father who is concerned for his son. If Arizona isn't talking to him, how the hell else is he supposed to get her attention?”