"I didn't want to wake up. I was having a much better time asleep. And that's really sad. It was almost like a reverse nightmare, like when you wake up from a nightmare you're so relieved. I woke up into a nightmare."
During Fashion Week I always get a ton of emails and phone
calls, asking why my son's mother, Arizona Muse, isn't walking the shows
anymore... every September & February, just like clockwork. I have a few
theories, but let’s go back to October.
It’s mid-October 2013. At that time, my life was kind of like
a blur; I was living in a daze. I hadn’t seen Nikko in over a year, and Arizona
wouldn’t allow me to Skype with him more than two or three times a month. I
thought I’d never get a chance to hug him again. I wasn’t sleeping, wasn’t
eating, I had stopped going to yoga. My life was a complete mess. I didn’t feel
alive. Nikko seemed different too. He was distracted when we would Skype. He’d have
outbursts with his mom sometimes. He seemed frustrated. Something was wrong in
both of our lives. When we’d hang-up, I would cry, all alone, without anything
to do about it… sometimes for hours.
Yoga has always been a big help when I’m feeling down. After
class one afternoon, a close friend asked me what was wrong, saying she’d never
seen me like that before. I guess I needed someone to ask me how I was feeling.
I didn’t have anyone to talk too... maybe I did, but I was just too ashamed to
let people in. I completely broke down, I couldn’t breathe. She listened to me,
and held me (you know who you are, I love you, thank you). A few days later I
flew out to LA and checked myself into a rehab. I wanted to be happy, I was
hopeful therapy would help me ground myself. It was a good decision. Had I not
gone at that time, I don’t know how things would have turned out.
Nearly a month into treatment (cognitive behavioral therapy,
exercise, yoga, etc.), twenty-seven days to be exact, I received a call from my
mom. Her voice was shaky. She asked me to call my Dad, “He’s dying.” I couldn’t
reach him. He was sedated when I called. My plan was to fly out the next day. I
didn’t understand how this was happening? Why didn’t anyone tell me my Dad was
ill? I tossed and turned that night. My mom called me really early; it was like
4am. It had happened, he was gone.
I had seen him just a few months earlier. We had lunch with
my grandparent’s. I was depressed at that time, missing my own son. I wasn’t
very present at all that day. When we finished lunch, I didn’t give him a hug
or tell him that I loved him before I left. That’s my biggest regret; I wish I
could have told him that I loved him... and thank him for everything he did for
our family and me.
He was sick and I didn’t even know. He was a proud man, a
former marine. He must have thought he’d beat the cancer and everything would
be okay. Or he didn’t want to burden me with his health problems. Nobody else
told me either.
A lot of you out there
consider me a slime ball or whatever for airing our “dirty laundry” (even referring to me as a gargoyle, which I find quite amusing)…. but are
misinterpreting my blog. Believe me, I know what you’re writing.
Put yourself in my
Imagine you have a child,
whom you love more than anything, and whom you’ve been caring for.
Then imagine that whenever
your “partner” is in town (rarely), she’s unavailable and only brings chaos and
inconsistency into your home.
Finally, when you attempt an "intervention", because it’s long overdue, your “partner” retaliates by leaving
the country, and drains all of your (shared) accounts.
You’re then forced to leave
your current residence (UK) because you’re visa has been revoked by your “partners”
When you return to your home
country (US) and hire council, there is nothing your attorney can do because of "jurisdiction laws"… and can only suggest hiring council in the UK.
Well, this is my situation;
I’ve been dealing with this for nearly a month without hearing a word from
Arizona. What would you do, or turn to without resources? Someone said it best:
“If he's up
against Arizona who probably has enough money to hire an adequate legal team,
who do you think is more likely to lose out? :/ I'm not trying to defend him
but I can see that desperate times call for desperate measures.. besides, he
probably wanted Arizona to straighten herself out and shaming her in public
would probably somehow motivate/drive her to sober up?”
Sure, I’ve made mistakes, but my lifestyle changed when Nikko was
born… that was the reason I was so intimate about my past.
It didn’t for Arizona, it
became toxic, you can’t live like that with a child. And if you've ever worked in fashion, you know it's even encouraged.
I don’t regret anything I
said…. Interpret it as you wish.
P.S. This was funny.
Wow, make a lifetime movie about it:
"An American Top Model and her Latino Bottom Blogger"
"Arizona: The Real Long Island Iced Tea"
"Two and a Half Men: the Arizona Muse story"
"The Pusher's Muse: a story of love, lines, and... lies?"
By the way, I'm not a bottom.... lol, and thank you all for your kind e-mails.
I knew there was going to be
a backlash when I went public about my relationship and current situation involving Arizona Muse. I'n all honesty, I’ll always care
about her, she’s my son’s mother… and for that I’ll continually hold her close to my
I love my son, more than words
could ever express…. But I haven’t seen, nor have I heard from my boy in nearly a
month. It’s killing me inside, it’s not fair what she’s doing to us.
I’ve made many mistakes I’m
not proud of, and I am not blaming Arizona for everything… you cant naively
think I have put absolutely everything on this blog, come on!
I’ve been receiving e-mails,
telling me I’m a terrible person, and have been reading horrible things about myself online.
The truth is, I’m just TIRED of lying, I’ve been lying for so long, keeping secrets which only make things worse... and unless
all of you are aware of this situation you’re going to think I have this happy,
wonderful life, and Arizona is our “Lord & Saviour” but I don’t, and she is
Also, there are people out there who presume
I just sucked every cent I could from her… To answer to that absurd statement:
Yes, Arizona was taking care of my expenses, but I gave up my career… and it was all
worth it, the reason is Nikko. I knew if he were living with me (which he was),
he would be safe and have somewhat of a normal childhood.
You can’t think a mother
who works at the level that Arizona does, would have the availability to spend
quality time with her child. I mean she goes out every fucking night, are you
people blind?!?! Seriously, and I’m the bad guy? Most will never
understand, we're all so infatuated with celebrity we don't see the obvious!
BTW, I am a great father… I’m the father I never had; the father I
always dreamed would be there for me. I have done absolutely everything in my power to be there for NIkko, to be present, and now I'm being punished for confronting her. ... Remember, all of this while supporting Arizona, even though I didn't agree with her lifestyle.
There are a few quotes I came across online that seem to sum it up, thank you for your support.
“You guys are ridiculous. Seriously Arizona's behavior is not
secret to 99% of people in the fashion industry. And maybe this is not the best
way for Manuel to do things but she’s uses his kid as a weapon, at the same
time she uses him to enhance her career. Arizona, the perfect model mom, look
at her posing with her beautiful son. Only she’s far from the model mom. Manuel
is not allowed to see his kid unless it suits Arizona, while she is off her
tits most of the time, yet you guys are making him out to be the bad person
here? As for Freja, yeah she really is beautiful. She tried to help Arizona as
much as possible. Even agreeing to move to London. But Arizona fucked that up
too. This girl is all about herself.”
“I agree with the part about her
son. Arizona has always tried to portray the perfect model-mom image, and uses
her son in shoots. But yet we all know she parties and almost certainly uses
drugs. I don't see Manuel being a dick in this situation to be honest. I just
see him as a desperate father who is concerned for his son. If Arizona isn't
talking to him, how the hell else is he supposed to get her attention?”
Arizona had a breakdown September
2011… I was away from NYC, but she called me desperately, pleading for help. At
that time, Nikko had three nannies because she was working so often and
trotting him along from country to country with her. She begged me to rush to NY so I
could care for my son full time, I was more than happy… I dropped everything
and moved immediately.
She had/has a major problem with
alcohol, painkillers and amphetamines. I was shocked, had no idea…. but of
course I did everything I could to help her… including pretending we were the perfect family.
She skipped two seasons
walking the runway because she was “incapable of being videotaped”, she was
literally so out of it most of the time, she wasn’t showing up to work. Her
agency NEXT must have been so pissed. We decided to move to London June 2012,
to hopefully help change her patterns.
Everything just kept just
getting worse and worse. She has three doctors; in different countries
prescribing her “amphetamine salt” and painkillers to help her stay thin, awake
during long days of shooting, and still be able to sleep at night.
Early this year we had a
falling out, she was so paranoid, projecting all of her issues/insecurities on
me… I basically told her I wanted full custody of Nikko and I filed a residence
order with the courts in London.
She retaliated, left to Paris
with Nikko and drained our bank accounts. Also, since my visa was provided through
her agency, she had them revoke it so I was forced to leave the UK earlier this
I know I’m going to get a lot
of flack for this blog of mine…. But Arizona needs help (even her secret attempt to
get sober in Bali last year proved to be of no help).
She threatened to sue me for
blackmail if I went to the press. Thats not what it's about ... I'm really concerned for my son's welfare. I don’t know where she is, she won’t return my calls
and I don’t know who is caring for my son.
Financially, she can do anything at this point… This
means surrounding herself with a team of “terrorists” to keep me at bay. My son
is not safe in her care, its virtually impossible for me to do anything
I’ve included screenshots of
a few conversations we had just before she left to Mustique for New Years…
also, photos posted on Instagram during that week.
While out at Greenhouse, I
met a guy (not going to mention his name)… he was really cute. I liked him a
lot. We went back to his place at the end of the night,
but while exiting the cab, he fell out and broke his arm. Honestly, it was a little embarrassing… but
worked out well for both of us (minus the scar he will have on his forearm forever).
We didn’t go to the
hospital until the next day. He needed surgery. I felt partially responsible. Afterward, I had him stay with me until he he was able to return to
work. We spent like two full weeks together. I cooked him
roast chicken (a rarity, I hate cooking), helped him shower, etc. I took care
of him and we started dating. No more philandering for me.
As our relationship
progressed, Arizona became more available. Well, we started talking more at
least, and shared everything with each other.
I think the pressure of
becoming so big, so fast was really difficult for Arizona to deal with. She
wasn’t the same girl I’d met years earlier, she was vacant, hardly showed any
emotion, and was proud of the fact she could “deceive people” into thinking she
was “sober”, even if she was fucked out of her mind.
I felt sorry for her, but
what do you do if someone says they’re happy… but contradicts themselves, always complaining about the work they’re doing?
*PLEASE DON'T ASK ABOUT FREJA... All I'll say is I have a lot of respect for her and think she is quite lovely. She's a beautiful woman, inside and out.