Saturday, December 31, 2016

I'm an Addict.

It's been a while.. super motivated about the next few days, new year, my birthday, etc... I want to put this on paper. It's real, it's healing for me. Hearing other stories can be inspiring, maybe this one can help someone out there make a positive decision moving into 2017! 

I started this blog to get attention. I had excersized every possible means to gain access to my son, Nikko, and needed our story out. I was concerned, distraught, angry... I needed someone to believe me, and there was no other way. 

When Arizona's former osteopath proposed recently, it was nice of her to reach out to me. Rather than reading it online or hearing from someone else, she called and I will always be grateful. This man will be in my sons life and I was appreciative the heads up. 

So here's the deal... here's my story. I need to hold myself accountable in order to continue moving forward, and that is exactly what I'm doing. I'm an addict. That's it. I'm a fucking addict. I'm not addicted to alcohol or to pain medication. My excuse has been the bulimia (I've suffered with for more than half  my life), but it's more than that. I overuse,  over analyze and overdo everything in my life. I grew up in a not so perfect environment...  self medicating was normal, maybe genetic. 

At 5'11 and 114 lbs, unhealthy, and super depressed, I checked myself into an an eating disorder facility in MD... After a month, I headed to a more specific facility in OK. It was a random location, very expensive, and very "hospital-like", but the staff was amazing... I became friends with incredible people! I have accepted the truth about my struggles. The lies I'd been telling myself didn't fit real life... 

After another month, returning home to have emergency surgery, I had a serious life breakdown. Wandering WTF was happing to me, feeling sorry for myself, a very special woman in my life said, "Therapy is not enough! Meetings are not enough! Yoga is not enough! Change your beliefs and quit waiting for a change. Make a change!"

I have made a change. It's been a long struggle, but my mind is thinking differently. I don't need to overexercise or toxify my body to feel validation. We can make ourselves happy, or at least can work toward it.

It's hard going to meetings. It sucks opening up to my psychiatrist. .. and it fucking hurts so much that my son is in London and I'm not. It's really hard trying to stay happy when life seems turned around. .. But I'm doing it! You know what, it's working.. it's working!!!

I'm not perfect. I've made mistakes and ruined friendships because of my vulnerabilities... but I'm going to continue working to be the best for me and those around me. 

Thank you for your support.. Family, Friends, Rabbi... Strangers. Thank you! 

Just like the political situation in the US, life may be a nightmare! But it may also  not be... Either way, I'm looking forward to tomorrow!